It’s part of the trap that keeps us in the status quo

There wasn’t an epiphany moment, or a breakdown, a dramatic crash or a huge rainbow. There was just a continuous, ‘tap tap tap’, over many years. A feeling of repetitiveness. On the outside it looks like I’m growing, meeting all the major milestones of life - house, series of good jobs, promotions, travel, even a BA silver card - and yet on the inside it feels the same, kind of flat.

When the sense of discomfort, the feeling like I wanted to shake something off got stronger. I would start looking for a change, a different job, a holiday, decorating another room, blaming someone else. I thought I had cracked it when we moved to the US, a huge change, an international move, start afresh. But the feelings, the ‘tap tap tap’ came with me. I couldn’t seem to shake it off. 

I remember smashing my hand down on the steering wheel of the car. Enough, this felt shit, what was wrong with me. I had done all the things I was told, believed, led to a great life. And yet why wasn’t there a smile on the inside? I listened to the people that said ‘once you find a new job it will get better’, ‘once the kids are older you can focus on yourself’ and the voice in my head which said ‘stop complaining’. Basically put up with it, this is life.

No No No. At least the tapping sensation had shifted. Different frequency, an anger underneath the acceptance of the platitudes.

I held my anger and frustration very close, for no-one else to see, I thought negative emotions were bad. I don’t do drama. I thought my role was to provide, do a good job, be up beat, save for a rainy day, to just do that over and over. Had someone given me the wrong script? I wasn’t sure I wanted to play that role anymore. 

Identifying, choosing that role kept me inside a hamster wheel, that’s the best way I can describe it.  I put providing for others ahead of me, and my own needs. I thought I was growing, but ironically it impacted my potential because how could I grow in a wheel!? I couldn’t take centre stage, shine joyfully or provide for myself. In fact, I physically squirmed at the word ‘joy’, it just wasn’t in my vocabulary.

Life felt quite beige.

And these are difficult things to acknowledge, particularly when you have a lot, when you have young children. To say that you want to put yourself first, that you struggle to connect with joy.

I have had to look at the script that ran me for over two decades. Yes, two decades. And that has been a huge gift. It took courage to sit with what was emotionally difficult. To acknowledge that I wanted to make new choices, that I wanted a lot more colour in my life. And it has come.

To know what lies inside me, to trust myself to make decisions because I really understand what makes me unique, has led to experiences and growth that I could never have imagined. I now follow the rainbows not the beige. The relentless motion of the wheel, the corporate ladder, is not where joy lies.

In all those moves, in all that trying to distract myself with the next thing. I had never once looked inwards, never even thought about it. I had never considered who I was, what I loved, what dreams I could create. Somewhere along the way I had stumbled upon an old dusty script and held on tight. 

We fear that we will want to quit everything, and then who will pay the mortgage, the school fees, the next holiday. What if we don’t want to be married anymore?

This is part of the trap that keeps us in the status quo.

Getting curious about yourself, turning on the torch, let’s you decide and choose. And maybe you will decide to make some major changes, or maybe it will help you see what you have created with fresh eyes and have a better understanding of why you are here and what that means for your future.

Someone told me that we fear the noise in the basement, we imagine it to be a huge scary monster, but when we go down there with our torch, there is nothing but a tiny mouse.

My advice to my younger self, and to you?

See yourself as an explorer, curiously discovering new things about yourself, the path that you wish to tread. Dare to look at what runs you, ask yourself what you would like to create, there are no monsters there. Resist striving for the answers, instead stay curious to what is unfolding in front of you. See this as a lifetime's work, a long game. 

Everyone is different, there is no one-size fits all. There are things that have helped me, and I’ll be sharing six ideas this week on Instagram for you to try. They might help you turn on the torch!