Definition: To remove fears, doubts, or false ideas, usually by proving them wrong or unnecessary

I work with coaching clients every day, spending time eliminating inherent beliefs that aren’t actually true. It’s important to dispel the myths and establish real facts otherwise, we hold ourselves and others back. What are some of the biggest myths that clients come to me with?

Myth: Others can’t change.

In many coaching conversations, I will hear: ‘why can’t they be more like this?’ or ‘if only they would do this?’. I feel the frustration. But as that person is not on the phone with me, it’s crucial to remain focused on you and what you can do.

I remind people that fundamentally, we cannot change other people. We have a choice. We can choose to change our perspective, we can choose to change the situation, or we can choose to do nothing. But, we cannot choose to change others. That’s their choice.

Everyone has the ability to change, and it is on their terms. If you want things to be different, you have to start with yourself.

Myth: I need to be more confident before I can do that

Action comes first. Confidence follows.

The more we do something, the more confident we become. Confidence is like a muscle that we can strengthen. It is also a huge word that can encompass many things like self-belief, voice, worth, and being enough.

I used to tell myself that once I had more subscribers to my blog, I would feel more confident to write about the things that really matter to me. It would help me to show more vulnerability in my writing. The reality is I needed to start writing to become more confident at it. Each email got slightly easier to send.

A client wanted to try and move into the drinks sector. She described the community as really buzzing but said, ‘I don’t have the confidence to strike up a conversation with some of these other business owners. Once I have more experience in the sector, I will’. The only way she could get more experience was to reach out to people.

Waiting for confidence will mean you stay waiting for the thing you want to happen. And, of course, we are not fixed, so the more confident we become in something, the chances are we up the stakes and create a new goal that we want to be confident at. And so on, and so on.

Myth: I am not a good manager

Really?

How many great role models have you had? How much investment have you made in learning the craft? Which bits, in particular, are you not good at?

Managing others is huge. It encompasses a phenomenal number of skills, from clear communication to listening through to empathy to directness. And we all can grow in this space. I would encourage everyone not to be too complacent in this area. Individuals are unique, which means one size fits approach to management will not work.

One of the greatest skills needed of people who manage others is self-awareness. When you find someone else a challenge, really notice what it is that is challenging for you. Is it their negativity? Their lack of innovation? What is it? Examine why you respond in that way. Do you notice yourself doing the same? Where and who with? Now the self-learning can begin.

A client recently described how frustrated she gets with one of her team members who doesn’t say what she means and tries to deflect certain topics.

‘Where do you notice that in yourself?’ I asked.

‘Well, that’s exactly how I can be with my Finance Director’.

The penny starts to drop, and that’s where we go to look for some answers in our coaching conversation. It provides new information that will help you manage others.

Myth: I have a lot of empathy; I have done lots of EQ training!

Yes… And?

You didn’t think I would include this one, did you?

Empathy runs two ways. One way is having empathy for others, connecting with the emotion that someone else is feeling, and standing in their shoes. The other is to empathise with ourselves, believe that we are enough, do enough, be kind to ourselves even when we get things wrong, or don’t behave well with those we care about.

Many of my clients really struggle with this part of empathy, and to be honest, it’s the part that I have had to do my own self-work on.

Without self-empathy, you are not aware of your own inner experience and emotional and mental state. How can you be sure about what is going on with someone else? Perhaps it is a projection of your own self upon them?

This is an area where many find true transformation. This opens up all sorts of possibilities about a person’s potential, growth, change and fulfilment. When we allow ourselves to dispel some of the myths, we give ourselves permission to empathise with ourselves.

Why do we hold onto myths?

Our beliefs are based on what we have experienced. Perhaps something has happened before, or we did something in the past that didn’t work out. Our brain tells us it will likely work out that way again. These self-fulfilling beliefs can hold us back, so it is important to challenge them and understand why we think and behave that way.

We all hold on to different myths about ourselves, other people, our circumstances. Coaching is attention to detail; it looks at the details of you and your career so that you can start to dispel these myths. Myths hold us back from who we really are, from our true potential.

I'm Sally Powell, and I'm a leadership coach, trainer and mentor. I love working with curious people who are exploring how to make meaningful change.