Ever Decreasing Circles
Why following the same, familiar route isn't always the best way to go.
Part of the reason we go round in circles is it feels so familiar.
It's like a well-trodden path. A wheel that goes round and round, or an escalator we're on, again and again. There's real familiarity and comfort in the movement. We think movement is a good thing. It means we are growing or changing, yet it is deceiving. It is not the same as momentum, where we are propelling forward, covering new ground. Going round in circles is a pattern. It means we are repeating the same behaviours again and again, and too often, they aren't good for us.
When her mother got ill, one client described how she would drive the 300 miles to visit her every weekend, do all her mum's cleaning, shopping, tidy her bedroom, and do her ironing. She wanted to get it just the way her mother liked it, to please her. She told herself she would relax once she was at home.
At home, she didn't relax. Instead, she ran her business with more vigour, afraid that things would slip. She managed the kids' schedule, cooked as many meals as she could from scratch, tutting at those who bought frozen meals.
Then along came the weekend, and she would do the same again. All her actions were driven by a need to be on top of things, to sort. She was afraid to let anything slip for fear that it would all fall apart.
Then her back went.
Can you relate?
This is an all too familiar story and within the story a pattern.
If X happens, we do Y, believing that we will get C.
She believed that sitting with her mum wasn't enough, or asking her kids to help around the house wasn't right. She wanted to be superwoman, to be seen to be doing everything.
Our patterns show up with our neighbours, or on a committee, or with our colleagues. In her situation, putting others' needs in front of hers again and again, until something literally had to give.
How do you recognise you're doing this?
The phrase 'I will when…' can often be a sign.
Other signs can be if you are an all or nothing type of person or find yourself saying it will be different this time.
What we need to hear ourselves say more and more is 'Now that I know…'.
For my client, she began to understand that her own health was at risk. Now that she knew her wellbeing was compromised when she did everything for others, she chose to stop striving for perfection and ask for help. In no way was this compromising her support for her mum or her love for her kids. But sacrificing her own physical and mental wellbeing made no sense.
That's why going round in circles makes no sense.
And of course, we need to start to see the patterns first, to acknowledge and most importantly to give ourselves permission to say to ourselves 'that that isn't working for me anymore'.
No one else can take responsibility for breaking the circles. Only you can.
Take time to reflect on your behaviour.
Do you know what patterns kick in for you, though? They will likely be well-trodden. Patterns that you default to in times of stress or fear.
You can do things to help you recognise when you are stuck in a certain pattern of behaviour.
Try recording your successes and failures. Don't judge yourself. Become aware of when this behaviour kicks in.
Don't react. This is especially important when you feel distressed or angry. Wait until your head feels clear and you can respond more rationally to situations. Give yourself 24 hours to make a decision.
Find an outlet that's just for you. It may be going for a run. It could be painting, knitting, gardening. Whatever the activity, find something that's just yours and make time to enjoy it regularly.
These repeated patterns of behaviour have a massive impact on your potential, your wellbeing and your happiness. They can often be quite extreme in nature. My client went to the extreme of doing everything around her. In her mind, there was no one else that could do any of it. How really could she know when she never even asked?
Recognise Reflect Respond
I do think as we get older, we start to see our patterns more clearly. We really know the impact they cause and recognise the frustration they aren't going away. People will say things to me like 'I'm 40, and I can't believe I am still doing this' or 'this is the third job I've accepted, and the pattern keeps repeating itself'.
Maybe with age, we start to see that WE have to take responsibility for breaking our patterns that no one else will.
And there is no judgement here. However, there is a request that you give yourself permission to put yourself at the centre more often than not. To look at the patterns for what information and learning they offer you about yourself, so that you may toss aside the wheel and carve out a new path.
I'm Sally Powell, and I'm a leadership coach, trainer and mentor. I love working with curious people who are exploring how to make meaningful change.