When I sat on a stage with Alain de Botton and told him my greatest fear was that I would lose my family's money, I truly realised the pressure I felt as the main earner in our family.

I'm not quite sure what made me say it out loud. 

Because it wasn't just Alain de Botton, the writer and founder of the School of Life, it was the other two hundred people staring at me in the audience. 

Honestly, I don't know what happened. 

I was attending a weekend workshop called 'Know yourself in a day'. I went there to pick up some tips for my coaching practice. I figured I had done enough self-development work at that point. In my arrogance, I hadn't thought there were many more important things to learn. 

And then I got handed the mic.  

We were doing an exercise which asked - if there was a newspaper headline with your greatest fear written across the top, what would it be? We sat in the auditorium and studiously wrote out answers on a slip of paper and then handed them to the volunteers at the end of the aisles.

Alain took the bag of paper slips onto the stage and said that if he read ours, and if we wanted to, we could come up on stage and talk about what we had written. 

The first headline was about someone who feared their husband was having an affair. Silence. No one came forward to take ownership. The second headline was also fear about getting found out. The third fear was that they would never fall in love again. Still, no one was coming forward. 

The fourth was mine. 

No one knew it was mine. I could have sat there pretending they weren't my words. But I didn't. Instead, I stood up.

At that moment, I think I felt sorry for Alain. He was on the stage by himself. So  I walked down the very long steps to the front of the stage.  And it was a long walk because I had deliberately sat at the back as an 'observer'!

He re-read my headline:

Irresponsible woman drains the family finances.

"What do you mean by this? What's your greatest fear?" he inquired.

My greatest fear was quite simply that I would waste all our money. I was scared I couldn't manage the responsibility of providing, paying the HMRC, saving for the rainy days and the treats, paying for the mortgage and the school fees. I told him that I ran my own business. It was successful, and I was the main earner. The weight of this on my shoulders was immense. What if I couldn't sustain it? What if? What if? What if?

That was my fear, and that would mean I would be responsible for losing it all. I feared I would lose all our money.

All eyes in the audience were on me.

I had never spoken about the weight of providing that I carried. I thought I was superwoman that could take it all. In many ways, I also liked that role. It made me feel good. It stroked my ego. Look how much I'm needed. Plus, I love my work, so I relished the challenge.

It's often said that it's easier to talk to strangers than those closest to you.

I think I proved this theory.

Why am I telling you this? 

I had a realisation that day. Owning the fear changed so many things for me.

To start with, the conversations I had with myself shifted. I reflected on what sort of 'provider' I actually wanted to be. I had never considered providing for myself. It had always been thought about in terms of others.

Then came the realisation of the power of words. I already knew this, but I had needed a strong reminder! 

We carry these words and thoughts with us. The headlines that were read out that afternoon were brutal. Proper tabloid-worthy newspaper headlines. And they were in our heads. People didn't need to embellish them anymore. 

The provider story is something I continue to be fascinated by. It takes hold. Often, we repeat the patterns of others, our parents and grandparents, our culture, our upbringing. And like stories, they can also be rewritten, reimagined. 

Tabloid headline one day, fish and chip paper the next. Many come to coach with me because they find themselves in a similar provider role, and it comes with its unique set of challenges and opportunities around boundaries, surpassing others, communication, control and dreaming.

Thank you, Alain, for that November day. It was a big moment for me. 

What did I vow to do differently from that day?

Firstly, to never assume I haven't got more to learn about myself. Life is a beautiful long game. I think there are very few shortcuts worth taking. I focus on the headlines I would like to read about myself. And trust me, I am no fame seeker. I am very happy to stay out of the newspapers. 

Next, I choose to provide for myself as well as others. Reframing my purpose and my why helped immensely.

Finally, I understand we cannot thrive with fear under our wing. Fear makes us want to run, hide, deny, shout, scream.

Combat Fear

With my coaching, clients bring with them a range of fears and worries. 

I'm worried I will supersede my husband's earnings.

I'm worried if I get too successful, I won't be there for my kids.

I worry if I get promoted, I'll be away from home even more.

I worry it will look like I can't decide

I worry that my performance will be mediocre

I worry about what others will think if I take a break.

And on, and on. All of them will stop you in your tracks, or you'll find yourself going round in circles. It's like following one of the first sat-navs. You'll never actually get to your destination.

One of my first coaches recommended Susan Jeffers book Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway. 25 years old, the principles are still fresh and have been picked up by all the major coaching and leadership gurus out there. I recommend reading it.

Play a Game

The 'what if' game takes you to the worst-case scenario. It helps you to know what you would do IF your fear actually came true. Playing it allowed me to rationally see it wasn't going to happen. It also helped me put some practical things in place, so I was better set up financially. I started to take more ownership and fired my accountant.

Challenge Fear

Dare to question the fear. Joke with it if you can. Share it with a close friend, a coach or therapist, and ask for help to work through it. We all have fears. Mine might seem dramatic to you or puny. It doesn't matter what you think of mine. What matters is that you care enough about yourself to understand yours better. Fears massively impact us.

Find the Positives

Search for the gift, the silver lining in that fear. My fear was intrinsically linked to how I viewed work in relation to my family. Look at that silver lining. My family is my tremendous lifelong gift.

Money Worries

If you have a fear that features money, you are not alone. Lynn Twist's bestselling book Soul of Money will help you find new perspectives and again talks about the fears we carry, particularly scarcity. Money is a taboo subject for so many. We struggle to talk about it with partners or even our kids. I always ask clients about their attitude to it in our first call, and many ask to have a longer session to better understand their perspective and how it's impacting them. Crucially they want to discover how they want to feel about money. 

Time to Stand Up 

How do your fears show up? What are they holding you back from becoming?

Why not do what I did? Turn it into a tabloid headline and write it down. You don't have to get up on that stage and tell a bunch of strangers, although I highly recommend it. But, have it somewhere you can find it when the fear creeps in. Keep it somewhere to remind yourself that your not sensationalising things, and there is always a way to overcome it.

You often hear about fighting the fear. But what if that's not necessary? How about listening to that fear and trying to understand why it's there in the first place.