My friend is out of work. Unemployed. Between roles. Whatever you want to call it, it's not where she wants to be, and she feels rubbish.

Her natural disposition is one of positivity, and she is struggling to find the positives anymore. It's just been going on for too long. It's not just being jobless that's making her feel bad. She also feels guilty that she wants so badly to work when she could stay home. Financially it's doable. But she wants to use her immense talents. She wants to feel useful again.

It's hard having to explain why she's between jobs when she didn't plan it this way. She's struggling to remain upbeat when that's expected of her when frankly, it all feels really hard and flat right now. 'There are people much worse off than me', she tells herself, which doesn't help. She has had to acknowledge that it sucks not having an answer when asked about her career.

And let's face it. Life can suck.

There are times when nothing goes right. It might be that you hate your job. You might be feeling worried about your partner. You might be ill. There's plenty of reasons why we can feel down, upset or even downright angry about the cards we've been dealt.

Then on top of that, you can see what's happening in the world. Climate disasters, humanitarian crises, prejudice and discrimination.

It's enough to make anyone go under.

That's why so many people will tell you to look for the positive.

Positivity can be a tempting drug. It means we don't have to acknowledge the things which don't feel good. Many of us fear if we dwell too long in negativity, we might stay there, and perhaps others won't like it.

There is a shadow side to positivity and enthusiasm. Everything has a shadow side, an opposite if you like. Light and dark, happy and sad, up and down. In its simplest form, we need one to know the other. One can be an entryway into some new information about ourselves.

When positivity goes wrong

As with anything, too much positivity isn't necessarily going to provide you with the tools to deal with a bad situation.

Toxic positivity appears when people stay positive without acknowledging their negative emotions or giving them the acknowledgement they deserve.

We're all human, and we feel ALL the feelings. Using positivity to mask our true feelings can make us believe there is something wrong with us. That we shouldn't be feeling sad about our current situation.

Toxic positivity can be displayed in many ways

·       You may just try and get on with things by ignoring the emotions you are genuinely feeling

·       You feel guilty because you're aware of the bigger problems in the world

·       You don't acknowledge other people's sadness or frustration and offer 'it could be worse' instead

Like I said, life can really suck and sometimes you have to accept that you feel that way. There's no shame in feeling sad, depressed, frustrated, worried. They are all valid and can all be felt at the same time.

We don't always need to look for the silver lining. Sometimes we simply need to acknowledge a situation for what it is.

I have a natural gift of looking to the positive, to reframe a situation, or help others see a silver lining. And there is a shadow side to this gift. Some things just don't feel good. And that's ok. Acknowledging this is part of the journey to change. We mustn't skip over it because it teaches us important things about what it's like to be human and the full range of our potential. In a colour spectrum, we need to know the murky greys and beige as well as the silver and golds.

So ask yourself what doesn't feel good right now. Allow yourself to be with it, perhaps give it a colour if it helps. Then you can start to think about where you would like things to shift or move towards, just don’t miss out on this first step. We need all the colours of the rainbow, not just the bright and shiny ones.

I'm Sally, and I'm a coach who can help you explore these feelings when you're feeling stuck. Book in for a free chat, and we can start from there.