How I ruined a perfectly lovely day

I started to compare myself with another family at the weekend. Friends who also have boys.

We were at the park, and the boys were playing football. Their boys are really good at football, confident, laughing, enjoying the game. My boys look lost, out of place, not sure where to be in this scramble of feet and balls and headers.

I started to judge myself and my husband for letting our children down.

I told myself we hadn’t done enough. We haven’t raised them with the ‘social currency’ of football, as my friend described it. My inner judge was so loud I couldn’t hear the voice in my head telling me how talented my boys are, how they’re having fun, and that’s enough. That we are raising exceptional humans.

By the time we got home, the familiar pattern of ‘I’m not doing enough’ had set in. And the dark cloud came down. I felt frustration for everyone and everything around me. Sucking the joy out of my own Saturday evening and anyone else who I could bring down with me, I picked at my husband, tidied incessantly and found faults where there were none to be found. Sound at all familiar?

This is a pattern, a belief triggered by the simple act of watching our children play football.

These patterns run us. They show up fast, and they impact how we behave with ourselves and others. I help people learn to notice their cyclical nature. Others have helped me see mine. When you start to catch them, it’s wonderful. You can suddenly make a different choice. I believe the more interested we become in ourselves, the more there is to find out.

Humans are fascinating.

Patterns feed off beliefs, bad wiring if you like, which we can change if we want to. For me, the comparison that day led to a deep sense of I’m not doing enough, which led to me sucking the joy out of the rest of the day. A day that had been so fantastic up until that point. I am grateful that I noticed what I was doing.

I made a conscious decision to not fall asleep with those thoughts. Instead, I decided to think about what I was grateful for and what I wanted to bring to tomorrow. I reminded myself that I am enough, my family are enough and kindness and appreciation towards myself and them goes a long way. Much much further than judgement.

When you feel like this, don’t beat yourself up. Breathe and pause and remind yourself that you’re human and don’t always get it right.

Remind yourself of your achievements. Go back to what you know to be true. Tell your inner judge to be quiet.

If you recognise the pattern, you’ll be able to use a strategy to pull you out. The more you use these strategies, the faster the fog will lift, and you can move on to something more valid.

I’ve used coaches to help me with this. Perhaps I can help you too?